Monday, 7 November 2011

Danny Dyer and His Deadly Men

I watched Danny Dyer's deadliest men last night just to see him mincing about with a uffer in Scotland and Belfast. Danny was in a sensitive mood. He was glad that the deadly man hadn't tried to bum him, but when he invited him to Belfast for the weekend Danny got scared, probably because he thought they'd gotten past the prospect of sex. So what did Danny do, Danny said yes and went down the arcade to think about it. He must have been reading my blog, and thinking a bit of bum sex might make him come across as sensitive.

Danny fucks off to Belfast, but he goes without the uffer because Danny gets recognised by the fans, and he doesn't want to get his head blown off because of this particular hard man.

In fairness to Danny he does try to get his head round the subject matter, even though you get a sense that deep down he's pissing his pants, but loving the reflected notoriety of hanging out with someone way harder than himself, gay or not (the terrorist, not Danny, of course.)

Here's Danny being scared and fucking about down the arcade (about 2 mins in), wielding a toy gun and dreaming of being hard.

I was pissed off at seeing Danny so scared and feeble that I had to go and watch Football Factory just to reconvince myself that Danny is a rough tough cockney wide boy with minerals and a desire to kick people down a flight of apples and pears.

Monday, 31 October 2011

What To Do When Called By Debt Collection Agencies

Since moving from my old life to my new gritty city one in London I've been plagued by mysterious phonecalls every day. No, not from an angry Danny Dyer, from debt collection agencies grasping on to the one method they have of finding me since I left a lot of unpaid bills at my last address.

I've put the number into my phone as Do Not Answer but sometimes I answer my phone without looking in the hope that it'll be some hot babe, or maybe a non-soul-destroying job offer.

No such luck.

What I tend to do when faced with having to talk to these people is simple. I don't talk. I heavy breathe, like a stalking, thus reversing the harassment back onto them. I hope it traumatises them. I really do.

Sunday, 30 October 2011

More about Danny Dyer sucking cock

Aside from listening to the lovely Kate McGill and thinking about how great it would be to watch films where Danny Dyer sucks cock, or tries to suck his own cock for two whole hours (or wears a nappy) I'm sometimes confused going through videos on youtube:

Take this for example: what they fuck is it about? Great song, great character, but what was the motivation in making it?

Anyway back to Danny Dyer sucking cock.

Saturday, 29 October 2011

Danny Dyer could be a convincing Ponce

I've been laid low with the cold. I've been keeping London indoors with me by watching lots of Danny Dyer movies. No harm to Danny but he always seems to play the same character. I think he has more range than he gives himself credit for. I think it'd be great to see him play a character that's a bit of a stretch for him. Like a gay, I could really imagine Danny Dyer just sucking cock after cock for two hours.

Anyway while not thinking about Danny Dyer sucking loads of cock, or watching his films I've been on the look out for some good tunes on youtube and the lick and I came across this song:

Isn't it great. Really relaxed and melodic. I'd like to hear more from Kate McGill. I first heard her in a Cafe Nero behind Oxford Street, where I hang out and can be found most Tuesdays from 10:00am to 2:00pm if Danny Dyer wants to meet and discuss my opinion that a film with him sucking cock the whole way through would really suit him.

Monday, 24 October 2011

Let Me Take Your Hands I'm Shaking Like Milk

I was in Jamie's Italian in White City with a hot lady the other day. I'll cut to the chase and tell you I was disappointed. Now I know there are people out there who like to knock Jamie, for his fat tongue, his made up mockney words and his activism. Not me, I don't have a problem with those things and think he seems like a nice guy.

So I managed to get a lady to agree to dinner with me (using no mockney Danny Dyer-isms from the East London ghetto, I'm proud to say). We both agreed on Jamie's because we're fans of the guy, and I've tried a few recipe's of his from the net and I have to say they taste great.

So we started off with some wine, we were told we'd have to wait about twenty minutes but we could have a drink at the bar. No problem here, it's bound to be popular given the profile of the owner. We got some wine and sat at the bar. We were given a table in ten.

Next we had a cheery waiter who cracked witty asides, all good so far. We ordered our food: The game pipe for me, the meatball carbonara for the lady. The meals were served at the same time but unfortunately the meatball carbonara came with no meatballs. We had to send it back to get that sorted. A waitress came and took it, and was very polite and apologetic about the whole thing.

It took ages for her meal to come back, so long that if I hadn't ate mine it would have went cold. When the meatball carbonara came back (this time with meatballs) they weren't the nice hearty chunky meatballs that you'd expect. They were instead, measly like garden pea sized things that looked like they were picked off an Iceland Meat-Feast pizza. The carbonara itself tasted stinking.

We sent the dish back and said we weren't happy with it. The waiter send down the manager, who was nice about everything, she said the chef had tasted the carbonara and all the flavours were there. This was the same chef though, who sent out meatball carbonara with no meatballs.

The manager gave us free deserts which were really nice, considering the other problem of us not being able to eat our main courses together. I don't like to make a fuss but if you read my previous post about having to do crap jobs to scrape a few pennies together you'll know that I don't have the cash to take someone out on a date very often so when I do, I want it to go well.

At this stage we had a nice enough experience. I'd been a gentleman and gave my good lady some of my food while she waited on hers, we'd got free deserts and the whole disappointment had been largely averted. That was until we asked for our bill. Now, I was prepared to give a tip, because the mistakes had been no fault of the waiter, and the service had been good. Up until the previously friendly funny waiter stomped over with a sour face and our bill and didn't even stop to see if he was getting a tip or not. He just dumped the card machine sulkily on the table and walked off.

Fuck him, I thought, you've just grumped your way out of a tip.

Basically his asshole attitude made me and my date feel very uncomfortable as we left. I think Jamie should get down to the restaurant and kick a smile out of the dickhead waiter's arse.

I've worked as a waiter too, and I've had to put up with all sorts of asshole customers. I've also worked for a tip and watched people walk out without giving it. So I think I'm justified in saying that I would definitely go for again to a Jamie's restaurant, maybe even that one, as long as that sourfaced ballbag wasn't working there.

Friday, 21 October 2011

Laura Marling, Me and The Imperial College London

Finding work isn't easy. At least, finding the sort of work I want isn't easy. If I want to temp for minimum wage for the next few years getting up at half past 4am to get in on time to work my arse off and die of drowning from crying in my sleep, then there's plenty of work. If I want to sit in an office and surf facebook and photocopy my arse using office equipment then I'm out of luck.

I'd settle for something in between (closer to the office end of the scale of course).

I read an article with Laura Marling recently where she said that writing A Creature I Don't Know involved lots of sitting in cafes and doing crossword puzzles. Lucky her. And I don't resent her for it, because If I could get a job that involved doing that I'd totally not give a fuck who didn't like it (unless it was the people paying me). It also makes me not really give a fuck about downloading all her hard work for free (and having sex to it).

The other day I did one of the more easy and pleasant types of temp work. I waitered at the graduations for the Imperial College London. It was fucking freezing in the big marquee on the Queen's Lawn, the thinking was that when all the people piled in it would heat up. It did a bit, but by then I was too cold for it to have any benefit.

A Creature I Don't Have Any Money For

It was hard to stay pissed off though because graduation is a nice day for people. Even wee rich kids (which most of them were, who will do more with their BA/Bsc than I've done with my two degrees). It's nice to see the mums and dads all proud of them and their teenage brothers and sisters trying to get some champagne instead of orange juice (I turned a blind eye), and it was hilarious to see some drunk dad throw up all over the bogs. Ha ha ha ha ha

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Racism? Me? Really?

I've had to change my profile photo, because like I said in an earlier post it isn't a photo of me and I don't want the poor sap actually in the photo getting hung by the balls for what I'm about to say.

I never would have thought of myself as a racist but that's starting to change.

I live in a part of London with a lot of black people in it. Now black people don't bother me, from the sporadic token black people in the place I used to live to the huge numbers I see everyday in an area where my white skin makes me the token white monority. This doesn't bother me.

What does bother me is the house full of French people I live with. They're all white by the way. (You may argue that this isn't racism it's xenophobia but it's all different branches of the same tree so let's call it racism because it's the biggest, ugliest stick we can beat someone with).

So what have I got against the french? The fact that they're always around speaking in French, even when me, who doesn't speak French is in the fucking room. Now you might say that it's their native language and why should I want to stop them speaking in it. The answer is because it's fucking rude. When I'm not there, they can speak it if they want, but when I am there it's just excluding me. They all say they came to England to learn English, but they're all incredibly fucking bad at it: because they never fucking practice.

I tried to tell one of them about the guy who tried to break in a few weeks ago and after half an hour of talking slow, talking simply and charades his reaction to everything was:

'I dunno, me I work, I work.'

If you want to speak French so bad then fuck off back to France and speak it there.

Am I a racist? I hope not, but I've went from being someone who likes French music, and film to being someone who balls his fist everytime someone gargles an R.

Friday, 30 September 2011

Heat, Sweat and Brundlefly

I'm lying in my room in this heat, stuck with sweat to a leather sofa. I feel like I'm in a 1980s Cadbury's Flake advert. Or maybe an African mother whose breast milk has dried up thanks to Nestle (allegedly).

I'm not sure which, I'm very dehydrated. I can't get up, I'm here stuck like brundlefly.

I was going to tell you all about a dream I had last night but then I remembered that other people's dreams bore the fuck out of me.

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Knife Fights In Alleyways With Crackheads and Hookers Shooting Dope or maybe that was a dream I had

I've given the blog a bit of a revamp so it doesn't look like My First Blog 1.0. It now looks gritty, like you can read about my adventures in London and imagine me walking around with something like this playing as a soundtrack.

How gritty? City Life! Cool! Yeah!

I'll be hanging out with crackheads and having knife fights in alleyways in no time. This isn't quite the life I planned to lead when I came here so we'll see how it goes.

Which brings me on to why I came here. You see I keep teasing by not saying where I'm from but it's not just a case of "go on, bet you can't guess." It's really that there's some nasty wankers would be very interested to track me down and pummel my head in. Kick me down a flight of apples and pears if you get me.

So in a way I suppose I am teasing about where I'm from, just not teasing you dear reader. Unless you're someone who wants to catch up with me from where I'm from. In which case I think that London's a great place to hide.

Oh and that picture isn't of me. It's of some guy I found on google image search. I look like him a bit I suppose, in the right light.

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Larging It Up The Apples and Pears

It's been a week since you heard from me, and that's kind of because I haven't been larging it up the apples and pears like I intended to. Don't worry I haven't been sitting in the house bored. I've been taking my time to explore the city.

First thing I should say is that I love Camden. I'm sure there's people who can say bad stuff about it (like N-Dubz come from there), but that doesn't bother me. I walked around the markets thinking about how any time I'd went to markets back in ________ _______ that this is what I wanted them to be. Basically it doesn't disappoint because anything it does it does it properly (or proper, or even propah! see I'm picking up the accent already).

I went and got my hair cut in a salon called Hob near the Regents Canal. I did model for them (you see I'm good looking enough to be a model). It wasn't like when I did stylists model back in _______, where you just got a free haircut. No they sat me down and talked about what styles they could give me, and what techniques would work best on my hair. It was great. I came out of the salon with a swanky new do that made me look great (I'm saying this not to boast about myself but to compliment them on giving me a great cut)and walked through Camden like Burt Reynolds on holiday (I have no tasche).

I'll tell you about other places I've explored as I explore them, but Camden (which isn't too big a bus/tube ride away from where I'm staying at the mo) is my new favourite place to go here.

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Dumb Burglar Experience No.1

Some dumb bastard tried to burgle my house today. He tried to be a crafty cunt and ring the doorbell first to see if anyone was in. My housemates and me always lock the door when we're away out (whether there's anyone else in the house or not - it's habit rather than being anal). So I had to get my keys and run downstairs. This took me a while and as I reached the top of the stairs I heard a clicking like he was putting something in the lock.

I opened the door and asked what he wanted. He said he was "here about the Fiesta" I told him there was no fiesta at which point he didn't look too disappointed and started to walk off. My neighbour who was going into his house at the time said "he was trying your lock with a screwdriver" and took a photo of the dumb bastard would-be burglar, who promptly took to his heels.

What every Fiesta buyer needs

I'll give the photo to the cops but if they do nothing with it I'll stick the thing on here for all to see, just in case any of you in London happen upon this dumb bastard. I've had stuff nicked before and I'm not letting some dumb bastard do it too me in London.

Burglars get fucked.

Saturday, 17 September 2011

My First Celeb

Being in London I knew that at some point I'd see someone famous, like properly famous, not just some regional maybe-is that shows up for photo ops every chance they get (supermarket openings, voxpops for regional news snippets, funerals of other non-famous people) because they aren't famous anymore or worse never were (except for some time they slabbered at someone on the radio or their band played support for a nearly famous band or had a number 2 hit in an obscure country [that last one is alright actually - if only they'd go there and stay]).

Anyways there I was in Camden a couple of days ago, browsing through clothes in the market and who should I come across but Kaya Scoled, Kaya Scodol, Kaya scodeler Effie from Skins.

Her face when she realised I was staring at her

I was getting reading to bang out my best London Lines Danny Dyer style, just taking a minute to go through my lines, and when I looked up again she had disappeared into the crowd.

That's how it is in London. You get one chance and then it's, oh fuck I don't know I'm just pissed off it didn't happen. Now I don't have some story to sell to the tabloids about me and some bird from Skins. I could really do with the money.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Ways to get respect and street cred number 1

I've moved the blog to this address because it's easier to scribble on toilet walls.

I've also moved the first two posts, just in case anyone thought I was some over excited type who just endlessly posts and posts every thought that comes into his head (eg. I just ate a packet of prawn cocktail crisps! LOL!).

I still haven't made any friends yet, but I saw someone on my bus home from Shoreditch last night that made me feel better about it.

I say saw I didn't see him because I was on the upper deck but I heard him loud and clear, so did everyone else on the bus.

There was all this shouting downstairs as someone new came on the bus. He was shouting something about 'respect' and how he wanted to be shown it. He kept repeating himself, over and over that 'you don't show someone respect by slamming a door in their face'. I think what happened was he tried to board the bus as it was pulling off from the stop and he had to squeeze in through the closing doors like a low-rent male Gwyneth Paltrow in that film that brought me here.


It's funny how he was shouting away about respect to a bus driver. A bus driver isn't there to show you respect: he's there to drive the fucking bus. True, it's nice when they're nice but if you're the sort of person who has to demand respect off a bus-driver then you're really just setting up hurdles for yourself.

I hope the guy didn't do something bad like go home and trash his house, then burn it down, then say to the cops and the fire brigade:

"It's was all the fucking bus driver's fault. He made me so angry because he didn't show me any respect!"

Charlie Fink's Hairdo Spotted in Shoreditch

There I was, all friendless and wandering around trendy Shoreditch hoping to make cool friends when I went into The Book Group. I had a great idea how to make myself instantly likeable. I started whistling the start of 5ive Years Time by Noah and The Whale (giving it real pep) but nobody took any notice. No one could hear me over the noise of the ping pong table.

I was crushed (my heart was crushed - it's metaphorical like) but I resorted to plan B (not the sensational Rap/R&B -er) I took my wallet out at the bar and said to two tasty ladies in the style of Danny Dyer (see previous entry):

"What you want giwl a dwink? Want a Tech-iwa, a couple of cheeky tech-iwas? you laaaaaaaaaaaaaaave it?"

They didn't answer. I drank the tequila's myself and went outside and sat on the pavement all dizzy and unhappy. Then I saw what looked like Charlie Fink from the aforementioned Noah and The Whale come wondering out. It was hard to tell when I was so pissed, it might only had been his hairdo, or maybe his hairdo's stunt double. I couldn't be sure, and when I opened my pissed mouth what came out in my ______ accent was too garbled to be intelligible to anyone but me.

When will I make friends in London?

My First Day

I've moved to London. It's been a funny few days, proper something or other I'm not sure. I've only just started learning the London lingo. I don't know any Londoners yet (my housemates are all French) so I haven't had a chance to expose them to my ________ accent yet. (I'm not telling you where I'm from you see).

What I will tell you is that, on my first proper day here (after sleeping off travel exhaustion etc) I went for a touristy walk (and tube). I saw Big Ben, the Houses of Parliament and a prostitute in Soho arguing with a customer in front of a bobby (London cop) about how she'd slept with him so he wasn't getting his money back.

It was great. I feel like a local already.

That said I'm not sure I want to lose my _________ accent. Though based on past experiences I'll be sounding like these mutherfuckers in a few weeks: